


Through Good and Bad and Apocalypse

by DracoFidus



Series: The Bloody Game [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, F/M, PTSD, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-24
Updated: 2012-06-24
Packaged: 2017-12-18 06:01:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/876446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DracoFidus/pseuds/DracoFidus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Giles becomes Ripper and Ripper becomes a monster and everything is Ethan's fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Through Good and Bad and Apocalypse

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2012 Summer of Giles.  
> Winner of runner up for best dark in the No rest for the wicked awards round 8  
> You can see the fic poster here - http://24.media.tumblr.com/a2ec307d6cf0e32089fe941dd623f413/tumblr_mndefx5Xo01qi1bqvo2_500.png

Giles cupped his face in his hands, breathing deeply. He was hunched over in a dingy warehouse, chains trailed from his wrists to the wall and he sensed a tingle of magic from them. Before him was a corpse. The body of a man so mutilated it was barely recognisable as human. Giles looked up as he heard laughter and saw Ethan Rayne stalking towards him.

“Good show Ripper, I thought dear Rupert had buried you for good but it seems otherwise.” He smiled cockily

That was when Giles noticed the blood coating him. Deep crimson drenched his arms and splattered his chest; beneath his nails were lumps of what looked like human flesh. “What did you do to me?” he croaked, face pained.

“I didn’t do anything to you Rupes.” Ethan almost tittered, “But what I did to Ripper doesn’t bear thinking about. Whenever you are angry up he will rise and now he can tear apart anyone he wants and you have no say in it. You see, old friend, I have turned you into a timebomb. Soon enough you will get annoyed and that is all Ripper, with his new strength, needs to take control. All he needs to kill.”

Giles realised with a sickening lurch he remembered killing the man. He had enjoyed it. He had revelled in the screams and he had laughed as he died and it began to destroy him.

***

Giles opened his eyes and sat up. He was in his apartment. He was safe. It was all a dream. Except he was still covered in blood. Suddenly panicking Giles dashed to the bathroom. He turned on the water and climbed, fully clothed into the shower. Then he began scrubbing the blood from his body. The plughole became a red whirlpool and still he scrubbed his arms. Never clean. He would never be clean. The taint of innocent death lingered on him. Not like Randyll, he was necessary, this was, enjoyment. And he would never be clean of it. So he kept on scrubbing, until the blood in the red whirlpool was his own. Then, finally, he stopped.

***

Giles lay curled up on the sofa. His haunted eyes open for fear of what truths his mind would conjure up in the dark of his sleep. He didn’t notice Buffy enter until she stood before him, concern creasing her features.

“Giles, what’s happened?” She asked

Giles didn’t reply, just scrambled back, putting distance between them. “Don’t come any closer Buffy. Please.”

“Giles?”

“I’m a monster Buffy. Just stay back.” He cried, tears welling in his eyes

Buffy stepped forward. “What do you mean?”

“Ethan made me kill a man...” Giles muttered

Buffy stood in silence for a moment, “But that was Ethan.”

“No!” Giles cried, “You don’t understand. It was me. It was Ripper. And.” He paused as tears began to trace their way down his face, “And I enjoyed it.”

“What do you mean you enjoyed it?” Buffy asked, shocked.

“I ripped out his eyes with my hands and laughed as he cried out in pain. I clawed open his flesh and watched as the blood ran beneath my fingers. I broke each of his bones in turn and I enjoyed every crack. As he screamed for mercy I pulled out his heart and I watched as he died. And through this all I felt was pleasure.” He spat “I am a monster and you are not safe around me Buffy. Now go. Please. I don’t want to hurt you.” He finished in a whisper.

Buffy looked at him through frightened eyes and ran. Leaving him to his memories.

***

All his life Giles had been afraid of the dark and rather than reassure him his father had encouraged the fear, it was healthy he said. Though, as he grew older, Giles became less afraid of the dark itself and more afraid of what it harboured. Demons; Vampires; Werewolves. But he never realised that the dreams harboured by the dark could be so scary. He woke screaming, arms clawing at nothing, fighting off the memories of what he had done.

***

“Are you sure about this Buff?” Willow asked

“Will, we need to know what the sich is before we can help him.” Buffy replied, “C’mon!”

***

“I told you to leave me alone.” Giles hissed as he opened the door a crack, “For your own safety. I cannot control this, this, urge to kill. If I hurt one of you... I would never forgive myself, I could never forgive myself.”

“We want to help Giles. And we can’t unless you tell us everything.” Buffy retorted.

“It was Ethan. He did something to me that made Ripper strong. Ok? Good. Now Leave.” Giles closed the door.

Buffy banged on the door with her fist. “You haven’t gotten rid of us Mr. Snarky! We are going to help you whether you like it or not!”

Giles slid down the door, anger at Ethan and Buffy and the world in general rising thick in his chest. Then the phone rang.

“Hello there Ripper, do you want to come out and play?” Came Ethan’s smooth voice.

At that his anger flared and suddenly he was Ripper. Grabbing an axe he stalked out the door.

***

Buffy didn’t bother knocking; she just kicked down the door. “Giles! Where the hell are you!? I know it was you!” she called, checking the living room was clear before moving upstairs. There, huddled in the corner of his bedroom was Giles, sobbing.

“I did it. I killed her. She was just there. So, happy. It was wrong, how can anyone be happy when I can feel like this. She was smiling so I wiped away her smile. I hit her, over and over and over and over. She screamed, so loud. How dare she scream. How dare she! So I carried on, and then she was crying and I was so happy. I laughed as I cut off her head. Buffy. I laughed. What am I?”

He raised his head and Buffy looked into his red rimmed eyes so full of pain. “You are a Watcher Giles. You are a Scholar and you are the bravest, strongest man I have ever met and together we can fight this.”

***

Giles sat at the table, chains once more led from his wrists to the wall but this time he had put them there. He couldn’t risk hurting anyone else. Buffy, Xander and Willow sat opposite him; Xander’s expression was one of awe; Willow’s was one of concern and confusion and Buffy’s was one of pain and grief.

“It’s ok G-man. You’ve got a crack team here to fix you.” Xander said, leaning back in his chair.

“Of course Xander. Now stop rocking on my chair.” Giles replied with a long suffering sigh.

“So, you gonna tell us what he did to you?” Buffy asked.

“I think... Injections.” Giles stuttered, unsure of himself. His memories of everything before he killed the man were hazy.

Willow leaned forwards, “Oh, there are some magical substances that can exasperate a previous trait in a person. It is normally used by street magicians to make people with depression happy. But, with you it could be used to raise the rage you had when you were younger.”

Giles sighed, “I’d already thought of that Willow. I’ve never been this angry.”

“Perhaps with you it combined with Ripper and, if it was Ethan who did this, who knows what he could have done to the magic?” Willow suggested, her excitement plain.

Giles nodded, “Perhaps. If I gave you some of my blood could you analyze it for magical phenomena?”

“Sure, if you gave me the instruction book.” Willow replied.

“Perfect!” Xander exclaimed. “Will can do the magic. The Buffster can make sure you don’t go all murderous on us again and I can deliver the donuts.”

Giles smiled softly at that. “I don’t need babysitting.”

“I’m not leaving you here on your own. Not like this. We stick together Giles. That’s what the Scoobies are about. Looking after each other.” Buffy stated.

“I thought we were about saving the world.” Xander muttered looking slightly crestfallen.

“That too.” Buffy replied with a small grin. “Ok, mainly saving the world. But still, each other.”

***

Buffy grabbed a glass from the cupboard. “Do you want a drink?” She called to Giles.

“No, no. I’m-I’m good thanks.” Giles stuttered.

Turning on the tap Buffy checked the water was cool before filling her glass. “You should get some sleep.”

Giles’ head snapped up. “No!”

“Giles?” Buffy put down the glass and stepped into the lounge.

“Nothing, I’m fine.”

Buffy sighed, grabbed her water and sat down. “Fine. Feel like helping me write this paper?”

“Not in the slightest.” Giles replied, lacing and unlacing his fingers.

They sat in silence for a time. The only sounds were the slight clank of Giles’ chains and Buffy writing.

“I know what it’s like to have nightmares you know.” Buffy said suddenly.

“I know.” Giles’ assented.

“You gonna tell me what nightmares have you too scared to sleep?”

Giles voice acquired a guarded tone. “What do you think?”

“I think you’re gonna go all British on me and say you’re fine.” Buffy replied. “Even if you really aren’t fine at all.”

***

Giles had finally drifted off to sleep and Buffy sat watching him silently. Seeing how much his face had changed in the past few days scared her more than she would admit. His laugh lines were more creases of pain and he was much thinner. His skin clung to his jaw and stubble was beginning to take over his cheeks. Even asleep his expression was one of misery and loss. She knew that if he were to open his eyes they would be so sad. Looking into them this morning all she could see was his inner pain. It hurt her so much. Especially the thought that there was so little she could do. But she wouldn’t stop until he was fixed, or, as fixed as he would ever get. It’s what he would do for her after all. Then Giles screamed. Arching his back his face tightened into a grimace, silencing the cry. His arms drew up to protect his face and he rolled off the chair landing with a thump on the floor before curling into the foetal position.

Buffy dashed over to him. “Giles! Are you ok? What happened?”

Giles didn’t reply, just lay there trembling.

“Giles?”

After a moment he began to uncurl and rubbed his face. “Tea. I need tea. With sugar. Lots of sugar.”

***

Three days and countless nightmares later Willow ran through the door. “Giles! I’ve got it! Look!” She cried out

He smiled softly at that and stood up. The stubble on his cheeks was becoming a full beard and he had begun to smell she noticed. Evidently he wasn’t even going to get out of the chains for a shower. She began wonder how he went to the toilet before realising that she really didn’t want to know. Instead she laid out some papers on the table in front of him. Scanning through them his lips curled upwards slightly.

“I think this may work.” He said, voice distant, not yet willing to hope. “If we go through with this you will be in severe danger Willow. Do you understand?” He tapped the paper, “This part will trigger-”

“I know Giles. Don’t worry. I’ll place myself in protection wards.” Willow interjected

“And put me in a binding circle so I can’t get out.”

“But-”

“Just to be doubly safe, ok?” He asked her, resting his hand on her shoulder.

“Ok Giles. I’m gonna go to the magic box and get the stuff we need.”

***

Buffy wandered in spinning a stake. “Did I hear Will a moment back?”

“Uh, yeah. She thinks she may have found a cure.”

“Really?! That’s great!” the slayer squealed before noticing Giles’ expression. “That is great, right? Because you’ve got your apocalypse face on and-” she trailed off.

“There is no guarantee that this will work Buffy.”

“Yeah, but we can keep on trying, even if it doesn’t. There has to be a cure out there somewhere.”

“I have seen no proof of that.” Giles said softly, hanging his head. “Buffy, I need you to promise me something. If this doesn’t work-” He stopped, voice cracking, “If this doesn’t work I want you to kill me.”

Buffy’s face became ashen. “But, we’ll find a cure. We can fix this. Right Giles? Right?”

“I don’t know.” He croaked.

“But this isn’t your fault. You wouldn’t kill people normally. You just wouldn’t!” Buffy cried, sounding perilously close to a petulant child.

“Neither would most of the people who are now vampires. But you slay them anyway. You don’t look for a cure where there is quite probably none.”

“That isn’t the same.”

“Isn’t it? I am lucky enough to be your Watcher. That is the only difference.”

“I’m not killing you Giles. And that’s that.” Buffy stated finally.

“What else can you do? Chain me up? Lock me in a room forever? What kind of life is that Buffy?” He fixed her with his deep green eyes.

“I...” she stammered.

“Because you know you can’t let me go. Not without stopping this thing inside me.”

“And if I did?” she challenged, looking straight into his eyes. “If I did let you go?”

“Then I would still die. But it would be by my own hand. Not yours.” He replied unfalteringly.

***

Giles sat in the binding circle. A few feet away on the floor sat Willow, cross-legged in her own circle; only this one was of protection wards. Buffy sat just outside it, hands clenching and unclenching. Across the room Xander lounged on the sofa, his posture belying the worry he was feeling. As Willow began to chant Giles’ back straightened and he sat ridged and un-moving until she got to the middle of the spell and lit a candle. At that moment his eyes snapped wide open and Buffy watched the warmth run from them like candle wax. His hands clenched into fists and he got to his feet, starting forward like a hunter with sight of its prey. Then he reached the wards. He screamed a feral, primal release of anger and hammered at the air, flashes of light illuminating where he struck. His face twisted into an animalistic snarl. Buffy looked into his eyes and all she saw was hate and rage and a longing for blood; and she was scared. Scared, and a little sad. The-thing-that-was-once-Giles, (Buffy couldn’t call it Giles, not even in her head, and it wasn’t Ripper either.) roared again, almost drowning out Willows chant as he launched himself at the wards again and again. Then when Willows voice rose as she neared the end of the spell, he stiffened once more, as he had at the beginning and as Willow finished and extinguished the candle he crumpled to the floor.

***

Giles sat on the sofa, a cup of tea in one hand and Buffy’s fingers curled around the other. It had taken a week for Giles to wake up and when he had his eyes had not lost their haunted gaze and his hair was tinted with grey that had not been there before. Buffy knew he slept fitfully, or not at all, though he had begged her not to tell the others and she had kept her word. Buffy lived with him now. She was, in truth, his carer, though neither of them would say that was true. She would lie in bed, listening to his screaming; the memories of those few days chasing him in his dreams even now. Sometimes she would walk into a room and find him crying in the corner. Sometimes he would not talk for days on end, just sit there, looking into the distance. The Watchers Council had covered everything up of course. They’d even sent a psychiatrist but after a few days she left, the prognosis: Severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. There was nothing she or anyone else could do. No magic, no spell for a happy ever after. Not this time.

But sometimes Giles would surprise Buffy. Like the day she came home from patrolling and he had baked her cookies; or the time he remembered her birthday and cooked her a meal. He still refused to go outside alone, but he was slowly recovering. No matter what the psychiatrist had said, Buffy would fix him. It was only right for her to do so; he would have done the same for her. They were Watcher and Slayer. Bonded forever through good and bad and apocalypse.

***

It had taken three years but Giles was as close to his old self as could have ever been hoped. He was still haunted by the past but he did not let it consume him. He was Rupert Giles and his Slayer was the longest serving in history. He was a warrior and he had helped save the world more times than anyone cared to count. Not even the destruction of his mind and spirit would keep him down for long. And even though Buffy still lived with him no-one thought to ask why. No-one was surprised when they announced the wedding. Even Xander had got the idea by then.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to GilesCandy for the beta and telling me to stop freaking out.


End file.
